New Glasses & Nudists

My style is something I have been building over the last couple of years. And I have been putting it off for months, but I finally started trudging through store after store in search of a new pair of glasses. It was an experience that stretched me, and got me thinking about style.

No, in case you’re worried, this is not just a girl’s post about fashion, but I do want my clothes to reflect me as a person and not one particular style. Ultimately I want a wardrobe that is unique to me and my lifestyle, and is not defined by trends or what’s popular.

I want the flexibility to be more than one kind of person

 when it comes to clothes.

I probably tried on a hundred pair of glasses before I settled on these, but I was worried-- they were different and new-- even though I had been ogling over this cat eye meets hipster librarian style for months. Most people liked the frames I had before, and by getting new ones I knew I would risk positive and negative feedback. I had a fiance, family, and really close friends who I would much rather like my glasses than tolerate them. My relationships are not grounded in my looks, but I was still worried.

It’s hard, especially when we all can find things we don’t like about ourselves. Clothes are something we have control over when it comes to our image and who we want to be stylistically. I have had a lot of ups and downs since I made the decision to dress how I really wanted to dress a few years ago, including the style of glasses I wore, and have had to battle the embarrassment and insecurities of not fitting in or not looking good to others...

Even when I wear something that could be deemed “stylish” or trendy.

Actually, I wanted to fall in love with the way I looked. Not in a self-absorbed, vein desire for beauty in myself, but an appreciation and delight in the beautiful, wonderful, and mysterious way God created me.

Let’s face it, God created man and woman to be naked. That’s something I fully believe. Our original adornment was our bodies. The uniqueness of shape, size, color, hair, smell, and whatever else you can think of was God’s spoken masterpiece. Until we sought to open our eyes, and ate the fruit God had forbidden us to eat. We fell and spoiled the experience, beauty, and unashamedness of being able to see and even enjoy each other’s bodies without it being something deemed wrong, dirty, lustful, and sinful outside of marriage. I’m not talking about having sex with any and everyone here, or lust, I’m talking about enjoying aesthetic beauty: things that are pleasing to the eye. 

God was not hiding from us something we rightfully deserved to know, I think He was saving us from ourselves and was planning to give us a better life we could enjoy. 

I am no pervert when I say I would love to be in a world where it is okay to be completely naked, and we could go through life in a way where that was not such a shameful, wrong thing to do.

Do I think it’s possible to change our thinking? Should we all become nudists?

No, unfortunately, I think that is a mistake we will have to bear for the rest of our lives. It’s a touchy subject that I do not know much about, but I do know that God covered Adam and Eve. Whether He did it for their own well-being because they were embarrassed by what He created, or because they had cheated themselves of a wonderful existence that could have been theirs… I am not sure.

Maybe that is something that can be restored, I do not want to doubt the power of the Holy Spirit to change our way of thinking and living. However, that has not been a particular subject that God talks about restoring in this world from what I have read in Scripture.

What on earth does this all boil down to?

My desire is to enjoy and flatter the body that God has given me, rather than try to change my appearance. I am not saying that clothes are bad, or make-up is bad, or getting a new hair cut is bad, or that shaving is bad, or anything like that. I am saying that for a long time I have been stumbling along in a discovery of finding my beauty and worth in something more grounded than anything I could try to manage and control (like my looks).

I still brush my hair, enjoy styling it, wear makeup sometimes, and prefer clothes that make me look and feel “better”. There’s a different mindset I have to constantly choose to live by though in order to enjoy my appearance and still honor God. I have to be in sync with Him, and understand His way of perceiving beauty.

I have to know that God doesn’t want me to despise and shamefully hide the way I was made. He also is guiding me in how I dress so that I point others to Him and not fall easily into the pit of being admired and complemented by others (both of which I think are acceptable things, but they’re a problem when they get to our head).

I think He wants you to live that way too: free to express your true beauty and style preferences. Not so you can seek to offend or harm anyone, but in a way that frees you from conformity and allows you to enjoy being you (even if… *looks around nervously* you’re a Christian!).

God sure thinks you look good: Genesis 1:31.

God Told Me to Build an Ark

Except this ark is made out of Google documents, red pens and highlighters, pages of paper, lots of ink, and a hardback cover. Still clueless? I'm talking about a book.

This was my year to write a book.

Several times this year I have wanted to give up on that plan altogether, but I had a strange albeit real conviction that God was telling me, "No, I want you to write a book. Just not yet."

I've been eaten up inside because I do not have an idea I can stick with. Today I was pretty annoyed that I did not know what to write about. I have tons of ideas, but I can't seem to make any of them pan out or focus on them long enough to pull a book out of it.

That's when it hit me... "Not yet, Marissa." I am not supposed to write a book yet. God is going to give me that idea, that certainty of knowing what to write, it's just I am not ready for it. At first I did not know why He was telling me this, but now I understand that it must be in part because I am not ready. I fully believe He’s right.

It was my light bulb moment.

For once, I am not supposed to think or try to write a book. Do you know how hard that is for me? I've spent so much of my life slipping in and out of the "thinking about writing a book" mode.

I am going to keep writing. That's exactly what I feel like He's telling me to do. However, it won't be for a book or in that mindset. My blog has been on my mind a lot lately, and I've been considering just stopping and getting rid of the whole thing.

It's not time to throw in the towel unfortunately. Instead I have some wimpy creative and writing muscles that need exercised, and I am afraid my readers will be put through the ringer as I pursue that.

There are a lot of people who are actually writing good stuff about life, dating, marriage, sex, creativity, being real Christ followers, healthy living, authenticity, fashion, pain, fitness, joy, cooking, and whatever else you can think of.

My challenge is this:

to be intentional about blogging

and

to just write what needs to be said.

One statement I am going to avoid with a passion is saying, "This is something we need to be talking about," and I am just going to do it.

I may not be completely original, or come up with a new formula or way to approach things, but I can add my voice to the ones who are making a difference in their writing. And I can say things in my own unique way. 

Saying all of this is to prepare you... I am going to start talking about some weird, awkward, taboo stuff for me, things that I do not usually write about and post on the internet.

I'm ready to start putting days into original, heart-pouring-out blog posts instead of a couple hours. I am ready to recommit, to be raw again, authentic, and unafraid to write about what I am really pondering over. I have been prepared and commissioned to do so by my Lord.

I have a lot of butt-kicking, stinky sweating, muscle cramping, fitful screaming, fear stomping, doubt smashing, adrenaline pumping work to do. Wanna come?

It’s time to build an ark. 

Good bye, book-to-be. I do not know when I will see you again, hopefully soon, but right now I have some other writing to accomplish. I will get back to you when it's your turn.

Worth Reading: That Passion

There's something extremely important to me when it comes to living my life... Living with passion. My passion is writing and literature. For someone else it may be drawing or music or photography...

I think we all strive to have some sort of craft to call our own-- something we enjoy doing and feel good at and is worth putting our effort into. We want a craft that we can thrive on, and that starts with being passionate about what you do. Here are three posts on finding, using, and living that passion:

1. Three Signs You've Found Your True Passion by Nick Thacker

2. Success Starts with Passion by Jeff Goins

3. Five Steps to Living Out Your Passion by David Valentine

The Daniel Fast: I'm Terrified of Veggies

Today marks an interesting challenge for me. For lent I have decided to join my mother and a couple other people to do The Daniel Fast, for 40 days. This means I will be on a vegan diet, with no sugar or processed foods.

First thing is that I am a picky eater, and though I like some fruits and vegetables, it is going to be extremely hard for me to eat those things as my main source of nutrition: meaning lots of them and in variety. The thought of "failing" is definitely frightening, but I have to remember it's not about "succeeding" in this challenge.

Extended fasting through healthy eating has so much more to do with my spiritual and physical health than it does completing a 40 day "challenge". I think this is coming at a good time in my life, when I feel distant from God because of things I'm struggling through, and yet He's the one I want to cling to. It's hard to do that when I am exhausted on my own, and burnt out on "trying harder".

I may feel great after having a productive day, but as soon as the work is over, I know I'm still just as down until I distract myself with a new task. Then there are the days where I am tired and unmotivated, and just down. It's not that I feel food has become my source of comfort through my struggles, but rather because of struggling so much, I know the importance of a healthy diet. I want to pump as many nutrients and healthy foods into my body to boost my system. However, just eating right isn't enough for me. I get worn out, burnt out, and exhausted and I default to going right back to where I was.

I need so much more than fruits and vegetables to make me feel better. They're a start, but this Daniel Fast is going to be a time for me to grow closer to Christ as my strength. It won't be easy, but I feel incredibly led to do The Daniel Fast for lent. I may not succeed in the way I hope, but if I can strengthen my foundation in Christ, it will be worth it.

Of course, eating right and giving up the junk my body doesn't need will probably be a good thing too.

Are you doing anything for lent? Want to share?

Writing, Reading, & Directions

My goal was to write a book this year, and I was hoping to get something cranked out this spring semester. So far all I have is an idea and a few characters in my head.... I know that I really need to get back to writing, I've started to doubt that it's my true passion. My outlet. But that's because I haven't been writing much lately, especially as I've gotten older.

Writing has changed for me, I am not as dedicated as I use to be. I can't get up in the mornings, blaze through schoolwork, spend the rest of my afternoon typing away at a story I think is brilliant and then save it to my little floppy disc... I haven't always felt the emotions coursing through me and been in love with the words that flow onto the page.

I haven't gone through and critiqued every sentence, changing it up until it reached perfection only to read it the next day and go, "Eck..." I also haven't stayed up till midnight typing away until my brain turned to mush. Which may be a good thing.

The importance of this though is that I know I need to write. No matter how distracted, discouraged, or unsure I get... I still need to write.

I love to draw, for example, but lately whenever I haven't been feeling the greatest it is almost impossible to draw. However, when I'm "too" tired or discouraged, writing is that outlet that helps me refocus or say what I'm feeling. It's therapeutic. When I don't feel like I can do anything else, I fall back to writing. It's my voice.

Sooo though it would be a lot easier to give up on this book idea, or just say that I'm not cut out to be a writer, I was reminded recently that it doesn't matter. I still have to write. Which reminds me of when I first fell in love with writing, how passionate I was about it. I wrote for myself.

No matter what, I have to write. Stories run through my veins. I just need to get back to committing them to paper. (Or a computer screen.)

Speaking of writing... That brings me back around to what I've been reading. I've managed four to five books so far this year and right now I am reading one in particular that I have to tell you about.

Writing Tools (50 Essential Strategies

for Every Writer) by Roy Peter Clark

This Writing Tools book, you need to go buy it. Right now. I'm only 35 pages into it and I tell ya, that thing is magic. I love it so far, love the way he writes, love the way the chapters are laid out, I love each stinkin' page and think it's the perfect little book that ties up a TON of essential writing strategies. Just read it and make sure you have a copy around so you can go back to it whenever you need to.

{Thank you, Jackson, for letting me borrow your copy. You may not get it back until we're married... I'll have to think about it.}

Seriously though, when I read this book it makes me want to teach English just because I have a book that would be awesome for people to use.

As far as the direction this year for my blog goes... I dunno. I hope to share how progress on my novel is going without giving too much away, I'd like to keep this story on the down low and actually get it written. Book reviews will still be my thing because I'd like to get better at writing them, and they're a reason for why I like to read. Other than reading just to read in and of itself. I may blog later on this year once I start wedding planning and how all that stuff is going. We'll see.

What are you doing this year?

Come on, just tell me one thing you hope or plan to do!