I Got Engaged... No, I'm Serious.

Most people know already, but... I got engaged! On Christmas Eve to be precise. Jackson posted about it on his blog already, but I've really been slacking lately when it comes to anything word related... writing... blogging... reading... You get the picture. We've already told family, close friends, and made it Facebook Official. Not to mention tweeting about it... It's been fun.

Jackson and I have known each other for several years even before we were "together". We've been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, and now I am really excited to take this next step of being engaged. Shhhh, don't tell, but I think we've both known we found "the one" for a while. 

So... He had to work Christmas Eve day, and I had been at home when I received a text from him when he got off his shift. I was told to get ready to go because he was going to kidnap me for the evening. I got ready excitedly, trying to have some sort of composure and not really succeeding...

About an hour or so later he was coming up my driveway. Fast forward one car ride with me promising to keep my eyes closed, which I did, and badgering him for where we were going.... and we finally came to a stop. "You can open your eyes now," Jackson said, the smile in his voice.

It took me a few seconds to finally open my eyes, where were we?? I had guessed that we went up on the parkway, and when I opened my eyes, we were pulled off at one of the mountain look outs.

The sun was setting. Bright pink and blue hues were coloring the sky, and he suggested that we get out and take a picture. Now Jackson and I take pictures together all the time, and this would not have been unusual at all if it hadn't been for the fact my eyes were closed the whole way there.

He sets up the camera as usual. I stand in front of the camera at a distance so he can get everything configured... as usual. We both are shivering and remarking on how freezing it turned out to be outside... not as usual.

I'm standing in my spot when Jackson quickly walks over and stands beside me, I know something is up, but smile for the picture regardless. Waiting for the the light to start blinking, waiting for the camera to click... Nothing.

Jackson turns and hugs me, I wrap my arms around him, feeling his warmth that takes off some of the bite from the chilly air. When he pulls away, he lowers down to one knee. I can't remember if it was his right or left... But he's looking up at me when he finally says, "Marissa, will you marry me?"

"Yes! ...Yes. Yes. Yes!" I managed half a dozen times. I said something how this didn't even feel real, and he said, "I know." I think Jackson was collecting himself for a moment (or time froze, or my brain left me, I have no idea), then he stood back up and slipped the ring on my finger. We wrapped our arms around each other again, and he told me he loved me. For the first time. "I love you."

"I love you too."

After a moment we both looked at each other again, he leaned his head down to mine and kissed me.

It was one of the most amazing moments in my life. Simple... personal... and perfect for us.

My best friend proposed... to me.

I Have To Stop Living For Myself.

I have to stop living for myself. It's been really confusing figuring that out. I am still a bit clueless as to how to go about each day and head in the direction I want to go, without living for myself. How I can feel God's calling on my life and know things He wants me to do, but determine when I'm too focused on me.

The past few weeks have been really rough. Technically the last six month there have been numerous things testing, stretching, and challenging me. (If I were completely honest I'd say on and off through my life there have been times when it was this hard, but the frequency of those times have increased lately. A LOT.)

So when I say the last few weeks have been rough, it's because over the last six months or so I've had a lot of good days and moments, but right now I'm back in the phase where I can't pull things together. It's really discouraging. I get tired of being so overwhelmed, down, angry, frustrated, and disappointed. At the same time I'm so tired, it's hard to make the effort to feel better.

I guess the past few weeks I've been defeated by the stress, the discouragement, and the pressure. There are days when I'm happy again and energized, or at least being positive. There are so many days when I wish I could slip into comatose because I know I don't want to die, but I don't have it in me to feel better either. I don't want that either though because I wouldn't even know I was getting a break.

There's so much I am working through lately, and one of the hardest is getting past myself. It's so hard to change the way you think, but that seems the only true explanation for how I have been feeling. That truly it is my own doing in some way. Maybe it's because I am going through a period in my life when I am weak, and unlike before I am getting challenged even more rather than able to breathe and get back on my feet.

If you're someone who feels stuck... Battling day after day of being down and depressed and discouraged... Being a Christian and knowing you have hope, but feeling hopeless... I could tell you I understand. I could tell you it sucks, really bad. It hurts and it feels like it's all your fault, but also everyone else's fault at the same time. I still don't know if it is or not because I wish I could blame it on some mental illness or depression, but all I can tell you is that you need God. Because He's what I need too.

I can't tell you much more because then that would mean I had figured it out. I haven't. I'm still stumbling along and blaming myself and struggling to do something to get past it. But I know God can get me through it. He can get any of us through it. He hasn't let go of me yet and never will.

Book Review: Rebellious Heart

Rebellious Heart

By: Jody Hedlund

Publisher: Bethany House Publishers

Genre: Fiction; Historical Romance

Number of Pages: 376

Overview:

    Because she's a woman, higher learning was always closed to Susanna Smith. But her quick mind and quicker tongue never back down from a challenge. And she's determined to marry well, so she'll be able to continue her work with the less fortunate.

Growing up with little to his name, poor country lawyer Benjamin Ross dreams of impacting the world for the better. When introduced to the Smiths he's taken by Susanna's intelligence and independent spirit, but her parents refuse to see him as a suitor for their daughter.

When the life of a runaway indentured servant is threatened, Susanna is forced to choose between justice and mercy, and Ben becomes her unlikely advisor. But drawing closer to this man of principle and intellect lands her in a dangerous, secret world of rebellion and revolution against everything she once held dear.

(Taken from Goodreads and also is what is on the back of the book.)

Star Rating:

      5 stars (I really liked this book.)

Content Rating:

     PG (recommended to 13&up though)

My Opinions:

     What I liked/loved - Okay, plain and simple, I loved the interaction between Susanna and Benjamin from the very beginning. It was nice to read a romance for once that had the two main characters bumping heads, bantering, and flirting from the start, considering they already had a bit of a history with each other.

Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin... What to say about him... I liked how he and Susanna both grew throughout the story, and also how he learned who he was trying to please in his life. This was a well done perspective on a "rags to riches" kind of guy, and who he thought he wanted to be. I loved how he cared about justice, but not in a too over zealous way and his beliefs that pushed against the comfortable world around him. Rebellion... Revolution...

Susanna's character was a little weak at times, but it was wonderfully done how her own thoughts and beliefs changed throughout the book. I loved reading about the challenges she faced in staying true to what was right, but how she also learned that what was right might not have been what she always believed in.

Last, but not least, I loved the ending of Rebellious Heart. The mystery, fear, emotion, and drama finally comes to a smashing finale. I loved it. It left me finishing the book happy and glad for every moment I spent reading its pages.

     What I didn't like/hated - Nothing to hate in this book, except maybe that it had an end. I enjoyed reading Rebellious Heart, and found it easy to blaze through its pages.

The Quality:
     This book starts out well with a sentence that grabs you and a story that soon begins to unfold. The first 50 pages are used to build up speed, but they are still entertaining, important to the story, and things definitely start picking up as this book goes on.

Hedlund writes in a way that pulled me into the story, without feeling like each sentence was dumbed down. I soon was reading through pages without even realizing how much I had read.

Rebellious Heart does indeed blend mystery and romance beautifully in this story. Not only will I be holding on to my copy of Rebellious Heart, but I hope to take the time to read it again. I would recommend it!

Iffy Content:

Language - None.

Sensuality - It is made known that a slave owner has mistreated some of his servants, and there are a couple other servants in the story that were sexually abused, but it does not go into detail. There are a few kisses exchanged between some of our main characters, as well as reference to kissing in a closet, it does not go beyond that and there are no sensual, make-out scenes. One man is newly married and excited about his wedding night, but the book does not go past that.

Violence - A couple girls have been murdered, but there is only one crime scene. It is briefly described, but not in great detail. One girl on the run had bloodied and cut feet because of no shoes.

Other - None that I can think of to mention.

Check out this book on:  Amazon or Barnes&Noble!!

Have you read this books? Any related books? What were you thoughts?

I'd like to know! I am always open for new reading suggestions as well.

Grandma Mary

There were so many other things I could have set out to write today, or particularly this evening. But for some reason the only inspiration I have is to write about my grandmother, Mary. Yesterday around 4 o'clock she came home after having knee surgery on her right leg, and since my mom hasn't been feeling well, I have been staying with my Grandma Mary to help her out while she's recovering.

I don't mind. It's nice to help out too. Except something touched me today.

After being in a sort daze lately, with feelings that I can't quite put my finger on... something melted me inside. When I made my Grandma Mary her coffee this morning, I asked her which mug she wanted me to use for her coffee. She was making sure once again if I was going to have some, then thinking, "Oh wait, you don't like coffee, do you?" I reminded her that I did, but I was fine and wasn't going to have any. I asked her which of two mugs I had in my hand that she preferred. She finally told me which one, and added, "Yeah, that one's my favorite."

Her voice is kind of loud, it didn't have any memorial sigh behind it... She does not talk in the quiet sing-songy voice. Nothing as romantic as you may be picturing. If you know her, you could hear her voice saying that. It's not like in the movies, it's just a moment crammed into a day as if it were a regular, unimportant memory.

There was no special story behind why the mug is her favorite as far as I know, just a simple preference for one mug over the other. Maybe because it's slightly bigger. Maybe because she's had it longer. But as I walked back into the kitchen and looked down at that mug, something inside me thawed for a moment. I didn't feel so distant, instead the words "that one's my favorite," echoed in my mind again.

Strangely, it almost made me want to cry. To know that one simple thing about my grandmother touched me. Why of all moments would that little scenario strike me? I have no idea. The odd mood returned after a while, revisiting me throughout the day. But I'm okay. I just couldn't not write about this. Grandma Mary's favorite mug.

I think it answered that silent question inside of me, that has been taking root in the back of my mind for a little while. Who is my Grandmother? There are so many things I know about her. So many questions I could ask, and I'm sure she would answer. But today she just answered one question...

"Which mug do you prefer?"

Book Review: The Captive Maiden

The Captive Maiden (Advance Reading Copy)

By: Melanie Dickinson

Publisher: Zondervan

Genre: Fiction; Historical Romance; Medieval/Renaissance Fiction 

Number of Pages: 284

Overview:

     Gisela's childhood was filled with laughter and visits from nobles such as the duke and his young son. But since her father's death, each day has been filled with nothing but servitude to her stepmother. So when Gisela meets the duke's son, Valten--the boy she has daydreamed about for years--and learns he is throwing a ball, she vows to attend, even if it's only for a taste of a life she'll never have. To her surprise, she catches Valten's eye. Though he is rough around the edges, Gisela finds Valten has completely captured her heart. But other forces are bent on keeping the two from falling further in love, putting Gisela in more danger than she ever imagined.
(This was taken from Goodreads and it is what's on the back of the book.)

Star Rating:

      3.5 stars (I liked it.)

Content Rating:

     PG (recommend to 14&up)

My Opinions:

     What I liked/loved - I can't complain. This book was free, it sounded good, and I had been wanting to check out Melanie Dickerson since her name had been popping into field of view lately. It seemed her popularity is rising, so why wouldn't I give her novel a try?

     The book was satisfactory. There was a good bit of action and suspense, wondering what was going to happen next... Though this story only encompassing a pretty short period of time, Dickerson wrote the relationship between Gisela and Valten well so it was not too rushed or completely unrealistic.

     I liked this book, and already recommended it to my younger sister who will be fourteen in a few months. The main thing for me is I liked it-- I don't regret reading it-- it's just I didn't love it. I was not stunned by beautiful writing or sentences that seemed to flow across the page... It was just decent writing. Fairly good writing. I was still enjoyable and beautiful at times, but as a whole this book may have been to young for me.

      I will note that I appreciate her pretty authentic characters. Even the bad guy who seemed rotten was not inhumanly rotten. Valten was admirable, strong, and heroic. Gisela was sweet, tough in her own way, but still in need of love. I am pleased with the amount of growth that happens for these two characters throughout the book. Not just their relationship with each other, no, I mean personal growth! They are not the same two characters at the end of this novel. They are of course themselves, but they have grown, learned, and matured. I do admire Dickerson for writing that into her novel.

     And you can't go wrong with mentioning along with the action, there is a sweet romance going on. There is a bit of tension between our two main characters as they wonder about each other, and we see how they both approach and view one another. Besides, you know we all hope they kiss. Once you have a good foundation between two main characters, isn't a kiss to seal it all like the best part? Yes, this book was quite cute and satisfying in those regards.


The Quality:
     There isn't necessarily anything wrong with this book. I received an Advanced Reading Copy, which was the Uncorrected Proof, so of course I caught a few minor grammatical or punctuation errors. There are apparently 20 more pages in the final copy of the book that was published, but I do not know whether or not she added to the story.

     I really don't know what to say because I hate to be negative about such a clean, sweet book, but there were few times that her writing really wowed me. The problem may be that I have been exposed to different forms of literature, have had a taste of wonderful writing, and it's just that Melanie Dickerson's style still has room for improvement.

     Her book was very easy to read, but the plot was predictable at times which is hard to avoid when retelling a story like Cinderella, though she did do a good job really added to and enhancing this retelling so it was not as cliche as it could have been.

     The main thing that got me was the reading level of this book seemed fairly young... I hate to say that, but the quality of writing is something I would expect to find in between that of a tween and teen novel--not an outright teen novel. The plot development was well placed and her pacing suited her story line perfectly, but I guess there was a bit too much explaining of things. It is one thing to describe a situation, Dickerson did have some good descriptions, but then to explain why something might be that way, that is what makes the writing feel younger.
(Example: She described one of the character's hair looking darker in shade, which must be because it was wet, because the blonde hair was brown. No, she did not word it exactly like this, but this does dumb down the reading. She could have easily commented instead on his damp hair and how it was darker; making it more of a statement than an explanation.) 

     So what do I do at this point? I would recommend this book, because even though the writing style is very easy to read and young feeling: the plot, action, faith, and romance are what make this a good, Christian teen novel. It is easy to recommend to any teen without worry of inappropriate content. There is still enough angst, bad guys, faith, and romance to make it entertaining and also a little thought-provoking.

     My final note is more of extreme personal opinion, and since I have not read any of Dickerson's other books I can only comment on this one, but I feel she could have incorporated faith into her book more smoothly. There are some elements she did well, those that were more realistic and carried a good message with them. However, when Christianity first came into the book, that is when it seemed to stick out like a sore thumb. Do not get me wrong, I love the Lord and believe strongly in making His recognition the striving point of our books, but I have read better.

     What mainly stuck out once I had gotten use to the "Christian" aspects of this book, is when Scripture was mentioned. It was inconsistent with the times, though I know that the way she incorporated the Good News will better serve readers of today, I feel it could have been adjusted a little, along with their speech, to reflect the time period in which the book was set. This is just my personal opinion, and I would not discourage anyone from reading the book because of this.

Content (For Those Who Wonder):

     Language - None that I know of.

     Sensuality - Some. There is some kissing, though nothing passionate or very descriptive. The characters do think to themselves about wanting to kiss. The word "molested" is mentioned once in the book, but there is no scene or anything to worry about, just a character's fear of what might happen. There is an embrace here or there, and characters wrapping their arms around each other-- some pleasurable, some not so much. This novel is very clean, making it appropriate for most ages.

     Violence - There is a jousting tournament, fights, wounds, etc. Nothing is too graphic or gruesome; though blood, cuts, and bruising are mentioned.

     Other - This is a Christian, historical romance and faith is incorporated into this book. I did not find anything offensive though I am a Christian myself, but it is made obvious at times that this is a Christian book as the characters question and think about God, faith, and His involvement in their lives.

Check out this book on:  Amazon or Barnes&Noble!!

Have you read this books? Any related books? What were you thoughts?

I'd like to know!